kimee
Insecurities are not attractive
posted Sunday, 22 January 2006
This past week, including the weekend, were torture on me. Part of it was I was exhausted & felt like I was comming down with something. That part fueled the other part, my insecurities. During the week I have to demonstrate willpower not to just jump on him & suffocate him with kisses. This boyfriend stuff is soooo difficult for me. It's been what 13 years since I had a boyfriend. There are things that I could do back then that well just aren't acceptable now & I say he is my boyfriend, but we never really talked about it. I made that mistake with (S). So I am a lot more cautious. So without knowing 100% that he is my boyfriend & the past week, well it just crushed me. I was feeling crushed by the end of the week. Then the weekend came & we didn't see each other. There were valid reasons & I think it was best for both of us. I really needed the sleep & to get some stuff done around here. Yes I now have clean laundry! But at the expense of not seeing him.
Now I have to behave for another week. Another heart crushing week of being there right next to him but not able to show my emotion. Of walking on eggshells, not to mess things up. I've done less of the eggshell thing with him. I do admit I am colder towards him that I probably should. I do not initiate anything, I flirt but do not initiate, because I don't know. By saying that it sounds like once I get the all clear I will open the flood gates (LOL, funny reference!) & I will smother him. No that's not true. It will put my mind at rest, allow me to be more of myself. Not that I am not myself, I mean to relax & forget the eggshells. I am not a person that needs constant affirmation, a wink here, a smile there, or even a little "we're good". I am afraid to start my week off, 5 more days of pretending, of longing.
It's weird what someone can do when they've gotten to know you. The real you. When you've gotten to know them. It's kinda like they creep inside you, make you complete & you're mind is always thinking about them. It's been a long time since I have really felt this way, so it's all new to me. OK I'm not dreading the week, I am looking forward to it, the fast it comes the faster it will be over & I will be in his arms again :)
Now I have to behave for another week. Another heart crushing week of being there right next to him but not able to show my emotion. Of walking on eggshells, not to mess things up. I've done less of the eggshell thing with him. I do admit I am colder towards him that I probably should. I do not initiate anything, I flirt but do not initiate, because I don't know. By saying that it sounds like once I get the all clear I will open the flood gates (LOL, funny reference!) & I will smother him. No that's not true. It will put my mind at rest, allow me to be more of myself. Not that I am not myself, I mean to relax & forget the eggshells. I am not a person that needs constant affirmation, a wink here, a smile there, or even a little "we're good". I am afraid to start my week off, 5 more days of pretending, of longing.
It's weird what someone can do when they've gotten to know you. The real you. When you've gotten to know them. It's kinda like they creep inside you, make you complete & you're mind is always thinking about them. It's been a long time since I have really felt this way, so it's all new to me. OK I'm not dreading the week, I am looking forward to it, the fast it comes the faster it will be over & I will be in his arms again :)
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